Apron on display.

Is it wrong to feel awkward and uncomfortable with people coming to visit me when I'm working? In the last couple years I've had a lot of people (many of whom I haven't seen or talked to in a long time) come in to "say hi" while I'm working. It's not like I can just drop everything and go chat for an hour... I'm at work. Maybe it's just the openness of my workplace, but let's face it, I'm not exactly proud of the fact that I'm a year out of college and still working in an apron job, and I'm not particularly fond of being put on display. I know I'm being overly sensitive about this and maybe even selfish, but can we just schedule a time to go have dinner so I can talk to you in a real setting? Why do you have to come in and watch me stand behind a counter in an apron? I don't want to miss out on seeing people or visiting with friends I haven't seen in a long time, but don't you have to work when you're at work too? *sigh*

It's not my fault...

that your CD drive isn't working (yeah, hitting it repeatedly is going to make it better and definitely not just break your entire computer!), that you didn't check what time you were supposed to start work today, that you woke up late and are going to be late, and that you asked me for a ride right before you were about to leave and when I hadn't even gotten out of my pj's. I already bailed you out once this week when you slept in, and you're not going to ruin my day off because you insist on staying up until 6am every night and never get enough sleep. I'm getting pretty sick of these little tantrums. Have a great day.

Issues with management.

Inhale...I don't know quite how to accurately depict how utterly irresponsible and childish my manager is. She's 31 years old, and can't seem to figure out that going out on the weekend and getting trashed on booze and pot often leads to injury--such as rolling your ankle and ending up on crutches (i.e. what she did this weekend). She makes almost 4k per month, and, let's be honest, works about 27-32 hours per week whereas I am in a constant struggle to get 34 hours a week and bring home about $1300 a month. How is this crap allowed to happen to decent people? It's not enough that I have a freaking college degree and am slinging coffee for douchbags all day, but to have to deal with an absolutely incompetent manager who has taken more time off for "injuries" (mostly caused by her own drunken stupor) than all the staff in the cafe combined in the past 2 years??? RIDICULOUS!!!! It would be great if I could come to work and feel like I have some measure of respect for my boss, but I feel totally comfortable saying that I have absolutely none. I have such distain for her at this point that there's very little chance of her gaining back any semblence of dignity in my eyes. She's a joke. No wonder the company has such problems--it's run by loose cannons, jerkwads, potheads, and overly-priviledged children--very few among them having worked in, or ever even set foot in a coffee shop. Also, my manager clearly plays favorites. Even though I have COMPLETELY open availability--meaning I can work any hours that the store is open, 7 days a week--I'm still scheduled with 34.5 hours every week. Keep in mind that 4/5 of these shifts are closing shifts, meaning I get shorted 2 hours every week because IT DOESN'T TAKE AN HOUR TO CLOSE THE STORE. IT TAKES THIRTY MINUTES. But that's fine, because now, another "shift supervisor" (quotes around that title because although he makes the same amount of money as I do, he has ABSOLUTELY NO SHIFT LEAD RESPONSIBILITIES) is going to be getting to start an hour earlier since sales have been up. Keep in mind that this person is only available 8am-4pm Monday thru Friday. WHAT THE HELL? Oh wait, I know the reason why he's getting close to, if not more hours than me with less availability--it's because you two are stoner buddies, and are besties that hang out on weekends. BULL! Also, this "shift supervisor" is pulling at my last nerve, constantly bitching about how hard it is for him to work in the morning with certain other people, and how he "works his butt off," and how he "hates the company," and how he's "Mr. Nobility" about everything when he DOESN'T DO SHIT except talk smack about everyone and sit and read the newspaper for 3 hours of his shift. UGH! SO MUCH RAGE! Before the week is out, I'll have worked for 10 DAYS STRAIGHT without a day off. Both the "shift supervisor" and my manager had the weekend off, and my manager has been out because of her ankle for the last 3 days. I am just a hair's breadth away from quitting, just to see how this place would get along without me. Exhale...

I am going to start doing fun things too.

Lately I've been getting kind of nostalgic for things that I used to love doing when I was little. Such as watching several Disney movies in a row and playing battle mode Mario Kart with my brother until the wee hours of the morning. Being constantly immersed in a fog of uncertainty and stress as to where I'm going and what my next step in life will be, I think I've actually forgotten to have fun. All I think about nowadays is how bored I am with my job and about how I don't know which path to follow. I'm not saying I'm going to lose sight of any ambition, but I need to get back some of those fun hobbies I once had. I want to PLAY! Earlier today I drew for a while and later I played video games. Admittedly, the drawing was a practice run for the board I'm going to be doing at work, but it was still fun and challenging. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to go back to graduate school, probably for a degree in teaching English. But I already missed the deadline to apply for this year, so even if I apply next year, I might not even get in until a couple years from now. Not to mention the dreaded GRE. I hate standardized testing. And part of the gradutae school application requirements say that you have to put in a 15-20 page paper that you wrote as an undergraduate. I only wrote one paper that was even close to that long and I really hated it. SEE?? I'm doing it again. I need to invest in a new computer too. Maybe I'll be more motivated to write and stuff. I keep saying that my dream job is to be a freelance writer, but I have little or nothing off of which to base that claim. Actually, nothing comes to mind. I basically only have experience writing analytical essays. Anyway, I'm just saying that I need to throw in some fun for relaxation purposes. Yes, I need to move toward some tangible goal, but all this worrying as really been a burden. I want to be happy! And if diverting my attention from reality for a few hours a day will help me de-stress-ify a bit...I say, whhhhhhyyyyyy not?

Uncertainty.

Friday should be very interesting based on the phone call I just made. Two of my high school friends are in town. I haven't seen one of them for a year and the other for about two years. I can't help but be concerned about what this meeting will reveal. They were handing off the phone to each other intermittently and while I was talking to the haven't-seen-or-talked-to-in-two-years friend she basically yelled into the phone "oh my god, I can't talk right now. I'm so high!" ??? I would kind of expect that from the other friend based on our last meeting, but I think this one might be having some real difficulty in her life right now, and I'm more than a little worried that what is supposed to be a friendly get-together this Friday to catch up and whatnot is going to turn into a stoner party and end up with me feeling awkward. As I get older and more aware of people's behavior, I've come to realize how many potheads there actually are out there. It's kind of disturbing to me that these people feel like they need to get high all the time to have fun or whatever. I'm not trying to make myself sound "superior" or anything, but I genuinely don't get the appeal. For me, there's always a heavy fallout when it comes to the party scene. Personally, I've been through a long enough period of time feeling out of control, and I'd prefer to stay away from chemical stimulants that would toss me right back into the throes of chaos. Last time I met up with these two, the haven't-seen-or-talked-to-in-a-year friend was offering me these horse pills or something in the car on the way home which was bizarre enough. I don't know. I just hope it doesn't get to the point where I feel uncomfortable. I'm not gonna sit here and judge people for what they will or will not do, but I'm not going to pretend that I wish people my age and my friends could just hang out and chat without any of that stuff involved. There's another aspect to this upcoming meeting that is most definitely going to push some added weirdness onto the situation. The haven't-seen-or-talked-to-in-two-years friend now has a boyfriend--one that she picked up on a hitchhiking trip across the US. ... ??? Oh man, it's going to be an interesting night.

Get that blame out of my face.

Since when was it my responsibility to do the food and milk order? Oh, right, you told me to do it ONCE while you were on your week-long vacation to Mexico, so I did it then. I've gotten into the habit of checking to make sure you've actually done your part in terms of this, but to be completely honest, I purposely did not check whether or not you had placed it on Saturday, because seriously, I'm tired of being the only one to keep up on these things. Don't give me attitude when you've been sitting in your office all week talking/chatting for hours on the phone with other store managers and haven't bothered to do one of the few things you do to keep our store running. I already close the store more than anyone, work more hours than anyone, do all the other ordering for store supplies, do deposits at least twice a week, do the tips every week, order trash bags, and run the floor every single shift that I work. How about you delegate some of these responsibilities to the other two shift supervisors who, curiously, work mid-day barista shifts and have basically no supervisor responsibilities and/or work a 4-5 hour barista opening shift with occasional (though certainly not daily) cash handling duties thrown in there? I hate being so worked up and bitter about everything all the time, but it's really upsetting to be confronted first thing on Monday morning about why I didn't do the milk and food order THAT IS NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN MY RESPONSIBILITY!!!!! I am better than this job. And I deserve more than what this has to offer. There's no joy or pride or ambition in this work. It's just a day to day grind, dealing with the same people, doing the exact same thing, working with the same people, wearing the same thing day after day after day. This isn't one of those rage spots (like in my last post) that occasionally make me hate my place of work. This is something deeper, more gnawing...I can feel the weight of it pressing down on me and it's really starting to get me down. Thank goodness I'm going on vacation soon so you can all see how well the store runs without me and I can get away from you and this place for a while.

Had it.

V. : You need to get a grip. Listen, I really understand the whole anxiety thing. I've been there. I've had too many panic attacks to count. But don't expect me to be all sympathetic and forgiving when you throw me under the bus at the last minute (literally an hour before we're supposed to open), and (surprise surprise) you end up getting a 3-day weekend. Don't expect me to be your best friend when you show up for the meeting. I'm not going to play all "fake nice" when you BAIL on me and I end up working two days in a row with no lunch or breaks (one 7.5 hour day, and one 10 hour day--hmm, combined, that's about a week's worth of work for you). I hope you noticed my blank stares and refusal to make eye contact with you. It was almost unbearable to listen to you present the new products with your stupid fake stuttering and ridiculous attempts to be upbeat and excited about every little thing. You need to stay on that head medicine, because quite frankly, it's getting to the point where you're coming across as irresponsible and unbearable to deal with. Also, with your whole boy situation, GET OVER IT!! You HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND. The only reason you're still obsessing about the ex is because he's the one who broke up with YOU, and the notion of someone having that "ending it" power over you is what's driving you crazy. Also, the whole vegan thing is a big fat crock. If I have to hear you talk about your stupid vegetable sandwiches anymore, I'm going to either lose it, or eat a huge bloody hamburger from Red Robin right in front of you.

C.: You are the sorriest excuse of an employee I have ever seen. Let's see, you work for about 3-4 hours a month, complain about the 1 or 2 days you get scheduled, try to give away your shifts, and then complain that you aren't getting enough hours. Also, I wasn't aware that texting on the floor, reading homework assignments, and staring off into space qualified as "work," because that's about all you're capable of doing when you're on the sales floor. Oh, and thanks for texting me once to tell me that essentially, you weren't coming in, and neither was your replacement, and then turning your phone off so that no one could know what was going on or if anyone was going to turn up. You are probably the most self-centered person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. Oh yes, and let's not forget that you've probably never been on time for a shift in your entire life. But don't worry your pretty little head about it. I'll just set up everything and wait for your sorry ass to show up on the doorstep 20 minutes late. You may think you're hot stuff with an acting career ahead of you, but let's face the reality of the situation: you're a mediocre high school level talent with absolutely NO singing ability or ear for pitch (even though you would be the first to start singing show tunes at the top of your lungs in a public place in the hopes of impressing anyone within earshot--NOT!). Also, your sex life is none of my business and I want to KEEP IT THAT WAY. I don't want to know, so stop talking to me about it. I could've lived my entire life without knowing that you got an abortion, and it's disturbing to me that you talk about it with such ease and carelessness. Do us all a favor and just quit already--go back to your yuppie college friends and enjoy trying to pay off your ridiculous student loans for the rest of your life on a Shakespearean actor's salary. Life is not always going to be this easy for you. Enjoy it while you can, buddy.

W. : Hey, remember that time I worked a 12 hour day for you because you took too many sleeping pills and slept through your shift? Well, it would've been nice for you to return the favor today, and to have gotten off of your lying butt to come work for 3 hours in place of the no-shows. It makes me feel great to know that you've got my back. No no no I understand, you just had to sleep in with your trapped-in-the-closet "boyfriend," because you've had a really hard week of working for 5 hours a day, taking 3 hour naps, and then folding towels at the gym for another couple hours before calling it a day. It's a rough life for 'ya, isn't it? Don't ask me for anymore favors because I'm through being used and abused. Oh, and you do WHAT in the mornings? You DEEP CLEAN the condiment bar? Hmm... that's interesting, because just yesterday I scrubbed off a huge coffee stain in the garbage cubby that had dried and been there for at least a week. And the drain bucket was nice and full of rotting milk and coffee. MMMM!!! Yeah, I know you like to make yourself sound important--like you actually do something besides touch ready-to-eat food with your nail-bitten bare hands and flirt with every guy who turns in your direction (gross), but I'm not a complete idiot and there is absolutely no way that you are going to get away with claiming that you do lots of cleaning projects in the morning. But I have to make myself look on the bright side: at least I only have to work with your moronic ass for 1/2 an hour per week.

B. : So... you're twenty-eight, high as a kite, and drunker than a skunk at 8am? Newsflash: you're a sorry excuse for a train wreck. Hmmm maybe I should get promoted so I can spend my salary on pot and booze...oh and trips to Vegas (I'll wait till I've had about two paid months off for an incredibly grueling "back problem," then go for the weekend), week-long cruises, trips to Spokane, trips to the ocean etc. etc. etc. I'll leave all the actual work for people who get paid $11 per hour and then leave after three hours of being at work because I'm so stoned that I'm about to fall asleep standing up. Oh, and don't you dare threaten to write me up because you're too lazy and inattentive to notice when we run out of things that it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ORDER. You're a joke.

Bottom line: I won't be overextending my kindness to any of you anymore. I'm just there to do my job, and you'll have to figure out your own problems from now on. FIN.