V. : You need to get a grip. Listen, I really understand the whole anxiety thing. I've been there. I've had too many panic attacks to count. But don't expect me to be all sympathetic and forgiving when you throw me under the bus at the last minute (literally an hour before we're supposed to open), and (surprise surprise) you end up getting a 3-day weekend. Don't expect me to be your best friend when you show up for the meeting. I'm not going to play all "fake nice" when you BAIL on me and I end up working two days in a row with no lunch or breaks (one 7.5 hour day, and one 10 hour day--hmm, combined, that's about a week's worth of work for you). I hope you noticed my blank stares and refusal to make eye contact with you. It was almost unbearable to listen to you present the new products with your stupid fake stuttering and ridiculous attempts to be upbeat and excited about every little thing. You need to stay on that head medicine, because quite frankly, it's getting to the point where you're coming across as irresponsible and unbearable to deal with. Also, with your whole boy situation, GET OVER IT!! You HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND. The only reason you're still obsessing about the ex is because he's the one who broke up with YOU, and the notion of someone having that "ending it" power over you is what's driving you crazy. Also, the whole vegan thing is a big fat crock. If I have to hear you talk about your stupid vegetable sandwiches anymore, I'm going to either lose it, or eat a huge bloody hamburger from Red Robin right in front of you.
C.: You are the sorriest excuse of an employee I have ever seen. Let's see, you work for about 3-4 hours a month, complain about the 1 or 2 days you get scheduled, try to give away your shifts, and then complain that you aren't getting enough hours. Also, I wasn't aware that texting on the floor, reading homework assignments, and staring off into space qualified as "work," because that's about all you're capable of doing when you're on the sales floor. Oh, and thanks for texting me once to tell me that essentially, you weren't coming in, and neither was your replacement, and then turning your phone off so that no one could know what was going on or if anyone was going to turn up. You are probably the most self-centered person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. Oh yes, and let's not forget that you've probably never been on time for a shift in your entire life. But don't worry your pretty little head about it. I'll just set up everything and wait for your sorry ass to show up on the doorstep 20 minutes late. You may think you're hot stuff with an acting career ahead of you, but let's face the reality of the situation: you're a mediocre high school level talent with absolutely NO singing ability or ear for pitch (even though you would be the first to start singing show tunes at the top of your lungs in a public place in the hopes of impressing anyone within earshot--NOT!). Also, your sex life is none of my business and I want to KEEP IT THAT WAY. I don't want to know, so stop talking to me about it. I could've lived my entire life without knowing that you got an abortion, and it's disturbing to me that you talk about it with such ease and carelessness. Do us all a favor and just quit already--go back to your yuppie college friends and enjoy trying to pay off your ridiculous student loans for the rest of your life on a Shakespearean actor's salary. Life is not always going to be this easy for you. Enjoy it while you can, buddy.
W. : Hey, remember that time I worked a 12 hour day for you because you took too many sleeping pills and slept through your shift? Well, it would've been nice for you to return the favor today, and to have gotten off of your lying butt to come work for 3 hours in place of the no-shows. It makes me feel great to know that you've got my back. No no no I understand, you just had to sleep in with your trapped-in-the-closet "boyfriend," because you've had a really hard week of working for 5 hours a day, taking 3 hour naps, and then folding towels at the gym for another couple hours before calling it a day. It's a rough life for 'ya, isn't it? Don't ask me for anymore favors because I'm through being used and abused. Oh, and you do WHAT in the mornings? You DEEP CLEAN the condiment bar? Hmm... that's interesting, because just yesterday I scrubbed off a huge coffee stain in the garbage cubby that had dried and been there for at least a week. And the drain bucket was nice and full of rotting milk and coffee. MMMM!!! Yeah, I know you like to make yourself sound important--like you actually do something besides touch ready-to-eat food with your nail-bitten bare hands and flirt with every guy who turns in your direction (gross), but I'm not a complete idiot and there is absolutely no way that you are going to get away with claiming that you do lots of cleaning projects in the morning. But I have to make myself look on the bright side: at least I only have to work with your moronic ass for 1/2 an hour per week.
B. : So... you're twenty-eight, high as a kite, and drunker than a skunk at 8am? Newsflash: you're a sorry excuse for a train wreck. Hmmm maybe I should get promoted so I can spend my salary on pot and booze...oh and trips to Vegas (I'll wait till I've had about two paid months off for an incredibly grueling "back problem," then go for the weekend), week-long cruises, trips to Spokane, trips to the ocean etc. etc. etc. I'll leave all the actual work for people who get paid $11 per hour and then leave after three hours of being at work because I'm so stoned that I'm about to fall asleep standing up. Oh, and don't you dare threaten to write me up because you're too lazy and inattentive to notice when we run out of things that it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ORDER. You're a joke.
Bottom line: I won't be overextending my kindness to any of you anymore. I'm just there to do my job, and you'll have to figure out your own problems from now on. FIN.
